I stare at the space that your leaving erased
The sunrise will be here soon
I’ll get used to the darkness
And cry by the light of the moon

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning
And I struggle to get out of my bed
I stand and stare at the mirror
While thoughts of you dance in my head

I start the shower and stand there for hours
I got to get to work by noon
It takes me a while to bring out a smile
Cause I’ll cry by the light of the moon

Was this all some crazy dream
That I will forget about
Then wake me up so we are together
Instead of you moving out

Between now and next morning
I’ll have to fake happy to all of my friends
They think that I’ve moved on without you
And the depression has come to an end

But the sky’s crystal clear with my hand on a beer
And the star’s are coming out soon
And then I’ll greet my friend nighttime
And cry by the light of the moon.

Part of him believed her. This part formerly held the gun. The other part held the Jack. He was sick and tired of being such a loser. Maggy and the kids had gone to her mother’s in Vermont and here he was in a hotel room contemplating his life. Lately he had been in meetings and his mind flashed to what would happen if he shot himself right there and then his mind flashed back. He tried to put the images out of his mind but he couldn’t. He hadn’t lost his job…yet, but his wife still called him a loser. Sometimes low self-esteem is common sense, he thought.

There were five things keeping Scott from offing himself. First was a healthy fear of pain, and the other’s had names like Joey, Scotty, Felicia and Celia. Yeah it was his kids that kept him alive. Everytime he felt like ending it he looked at them. He wasn’t a bad father at all was he? All in all, the cheating he had done only hurt Maggy right? In reality the cheating only hurt Scott in the long run. Maggy didn’t think she could trust him any more. And why should she?

“Hello, Maggy, I’m sorry…beeeeeep…”

He almost had given up the last time he called but he kept on calling her cell phone hoping she’d pick up. Then he got down on his knees and called out to whomever was answering at the time. He knew there was a God but he was also sure that God had forgotten all about him.

“Hello…If this is really you, you have to help me out here. I’m done trying to solve it all. I’m not sure if you like me or love me but if you do show me a sign that I can be redeemed!”

Not hearing an answer, he crawled into bed. Tired, alone, and completely spent mentally he couldn’t even bring himself to cry himself to sleep like he had done so many nights prior. The cars on the interstate had become his lullaby.

Suddenly a knock came at the door. Scott slowly walked to the door and the knocks became louder. He opened the door and there she stood. Maggy was there. The red lights of the hotel sign gave her raven hair a special glow that almost made it seem like she was one of those angels on TV.

“Listen, Scott. I don’t want to give up but I’m done trying. Now it’s your turn if you want it.”
The tears came flowing down her cheeks and Scott raised his hand to wipe her cheek. She flinched a little but he gave her a small shush and brushed her face dry. Maggy fell into his arms and the two began again.

If you never know loneliness, how can you know what togetherness is?

Life is filled with Pain and Suffering but through Suffering you come to know extreme joy.

It takes a wise man to admit he doesn’t know everything, but a fool believes he knows all.

Those who stay uneducated get exactly what they wish for.

AND MOST OF ALL:
Those who feel that they’re beliefs are right and everyone else is wrong, is probably wrong in his beliefs. Those who force their beliefs on you have their argument written on sandstone, crumbling under even the slightest scrutiny. Those who listen to other’s beliefs have the strongest of faiths.

Most everything I believe in came from one religion or another. While I am a Christian by definition of believing in Christ as my savior and attempting to live how he taught, there are a lot of other wonderful teachings out there that I have incorporated into my faith. I have decided that not everyone on Earth is capable of believing that God is the answer. He comes to us as humans in many forms — these forms are His because not everyone can understand one particular image of God. I believe he gives non-believers one last chance to believe and that is at the end of our lives. If you stare at Him and still you don’t believe, God won’t force you to go to Heaven. Hell is truely a place of our own choosing. Jesus is the Son of God, but he is also an amazing teacher. “Do unto others as they would do unto you” is an amazing philosophy that everyone should follow regardless of what your beliefs are.

Another thing I gleamed from studying religions is the concept of emotional energy. I believe that we are responsible for every reaction we give to outside stimuli. For example I was chatting with a friend once who happens to be of African heritage. Now this is important only in that it’s appropo to the story. It seems that her son was called the “N” word by the son of the Pastor of her church. Her first reaction is to get very angry. Now after I got over my shock at hearing about a pastor’s son using such hate speech, I told her that the “N” word really means nothing in and of itself — it only means something when you react to it. Everyone’s reaction is different, but if you are black, your reaction may be the same as my friend’s was.

I used the analogy of an electrical lamp. The lamp can only receive power from the outlet in the wall. The words people use receive power only if you “plug” into them. If you plug into negative energy you can only burn negatively. If you plug into positive energy the opposite occurs. Negative energy can only be created by humans, in my opinion, and positive energy is all around us waiting for us to attach to it. In my opinion, that positive energy is provided to us by God.

I then came to the conclusion that a lot of the words we use to describe negative behavior don’t really exist outside of our identifying it. In my faith, God is Love. An absence of God is not Love. Hate is the opposite of Love. I therefore believe that Hate doesn’t really exist; it is merely an absence of Love or an absence of God. Ignorance is an absence of knowledge or an absence of the Lord who provides it. You get my point I hope.

Sounding so Eastern in my beliefs may sound odd coming from one who claims to be a Christian. I believe, though, that Jesus perhaps believed some of these same types of things. St. Paul wrote in one of his many letters about how our behavior proves our faith to others.

I hope that this isn’t too jolting for my non-Christian friends who know me as a poet, but a lot of my poetry comes from being so deeply in touch with my emotional core. While I am not always happy — some would say that I’m pretty dark emotionally — when it comes down to it, I’m a pretty satisfied person.

I could only return the smile. I hadn’t a drop to drink that night yet I was intoxicated. The slow methodical beating of my heart seemed to accompany her song. I must be losing my mind! How was it that music seemed to follow her wherever she went? The din of the voices around me at the party dimmed slowly to silence and there was only her. This began as a mere glance at a gorgeous woman but now it was way beyond lust.

My spirit seemed to melt and longed to be one with hers. She sat next to me? Holy Shit! Does she know what effect she has on me? Her perfume — what is that scent…I can’t place it — wafted around me converting me into a nervous school boy about to be called upon and not knowing the answer. The curvature of her body linked with my own. She could almost melt into me — I swear it. She put her hand back on my knee and her head on my shoulder. She must be reading my mind to know that I would never reject this.

Her breath is warm as it breezes past my neck. It couldn’t be possible that this could make me feel any more…more than I was already but it did. Love at first site didn’t compare to this.

The party was coming to an end. I didn’t want the night to stop. We talked endlessly about things that mattered to the both of us. Serendipity. She kissed me on that place that exists only to send me soaring…the place where the neck ends and the shoulder begins. She whispered that she’d like to see me again. She wrote her number in eye pencil on a “kiss me here, I’m Clinton” napkin and glided away.

On my way home my mind was swimming with the events of the night. I would call on her. She was more than anything I could have dreamed about. My spritual connection. I could hardly breathe much less than sleep but eventually exhaustion won out. My dreams are now filled with visions of her.

She is a fantasy come true…Or did I dream this all up?